I think about the current state of my heart and realize how empty it is. Last March 28 was one of the best nights of my life. I went to Manila Passion 2014 and was deeply connected with what Ptr. Louie Giglio said about Luke 15.
Recently, I had been trying to drag myself to do things for school and for everyone around me. Going to school, doing researches and barely sleeping every day made me question the purpose of continuing to study. I felt that it was too useless trying to finish a course just to be employed in the future. I think it was meaningless that I am only doing it to please my parents and to maintain the scholarships I currently have.
I think my main problem is that all this time I haven’t been enjoying my journey in school. You might think I’ve never enjoyed being in school, but moments are different with enjoying the course I’m taking the whole time. I suppose I was dreaming a course that would lead me to my goal and at the same time I expected that I would be happy as long as I continue to be in the course. But it’s not happening and right now, I’m having an existential crisis. I couldn’t believe this is actually happening to me. But trust me, I think people kind of pass by this phase. Hopefully, I would get past this stage and transcend to another level which would make me more mature in handling the situations in my life.
You know it’s so hard being the kind of person who needs assurance every now and then. Though I’m a self-confessed introvert, it doesn’t mean that I always want to be alone every time. I felt so lost in my insecurities and my past sins that I was blinded by the positive things happening around me. I wasn’t able to see past through the darkness that should have been forgotten. I thought I was all alone, isolated from the world who has not even welcomed me. I thought I was right with everything. I thought it was okay to remain stagnant in my faith. I felt so unloved by God because he made me face challenges I don’t know how to respond to.
Everything has been a mess and still is. The state of my relationships with my family, friends, relatives and love life is so unbalanced that I began to question if God would ever calm these ‘storms’.
At times, I think I’m the only person who worries about every little thing. But I want to end this blog with a positive note. When I heard and understood the message of Ptr. Louie, I was enlightened by the fact that all along I was the only one inflicting pain in my own heart. I was trying to please everyone. I was trying to do good deeds and please God. I was trying to ACHIEVE HIS approval. I was trying to earn my way to heaven.
However, this is not what God wants us to do. He already saved us by sending his son Jesus Christ to save us. He readily forgives us just as long as we sincerely repent. He doesn’t want us to be caught up in our past mistakes. He wants us to get past those mistakes and change for the better. He loves us so much that he is willing to forgive our sins. He is always waiting for us to come back home.
Wooh! God’s grace is so amazing. No matter how undeserving we are of his forgiveness, he still loves us. He continues to watch over us and patiently wait for us to go back in His embrace. We are sinful yet he sacrificed his own son to save us. God is just too amazing that I have no words how to describe his love. I’m just too overwhelmed and thankful that I went to Passion Manila. The message blessed me in every bit of way. There are so many things I want to say but I just don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling right now.
But if you ever experienced what I have been dealing with these past few weeks, always pray and read the Bible so that you will know how blessed you are! I know that everyone of us face problems, but just keep holding on and trust that God has better plans for your life. Each ‘failure’ you are experiencing is just one step in achieving the person you should be in the future.
Sometimes we need to fall in order for us to appreciate what we have when we finally experience to be on top of everything.
To God be all the glory! Thank you for reading this entry and have a blessed week ahead of you!