My Heart Gone Zero

I only thought about the possibilities.

I was enjoying the late night talks. The swimming bond whenever our schedule allows us. All the texts we had even though sometimes we were literally beside each other. And the times when we don’t talk at all.

I miss all the awkward moments when we feel like we were going beyond the boundary of being friends. I still think of the time when you first removed your eyeglasses, I wished that I was the only person who could see your face. All the pillow fights were worth the tickle and sometimes pain.

I just miss hearing your voice. I miss your lemon perfumed smell. Gosh, I must be nuts writing all of these. But nothing matters when it’s you I’m talking about. Everything just seem so right.

Iron Man, sorry that I forgot that I didn’t even have the courage to tell you my true feelings.

I didn’t even have the time to clarify the relationship between us. We were just close friends who have gone beyond the boundaries of what we were supposed to be. We were contented that way. I guess I expected too much that the kind of relationship we have would be enough for you— just close friends.

The things that happened today made me realize about the grave mistake I have deep instilled in your heart. I’m sorry for not having the courage to step up our friendship. I was afraid of too many things.

But most of all, I was afraid that I’ll lose you completely if things go wrong. But it happened anyway. I’m back to the stage where I know what I should do. But I just couldn’t take risks, especially if it concerns other people I love.

You loved me. I still love you. She loves you. And now you love her. I think people would get the point that I’m now the past. I’m sorry for telling you this late. I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry that until now my feelings haven’t changed. I’m sorry that you have to see me rant about my feelings for someone without knowing that it was you I was already talking about.

I just don’t get why we still have to be in this position. Everything is just so complicated. And the last time I saw you, we were still the same. I guess nothing changed, except for one thing, it was not my hands you were reaching. I’m still in the process of accepting this reality. I’m still trying to comprehend the things I’ve neglected.

When the right time comes, I hope I won’t look back and regret what we had too much. I hope when I remember you again, there is only a wish that we could be together someday. And if it doesn’t happen, then maybe I’ll look back and thank what you taught me.

For now, goodbye Iron Man.

Love and fear could contradict sometimes. And I think that was what separated us. Despite all that we had experienced, know that a piece of my heart would always beat for you.

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