The Girl Who Don’t Know Love

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Andy has never felt love, not even when the moment she was born. She was adopted by many families but they always felt the need to bring her back on the same orphanage. She always wondered why, but she never got the answer.

She assumed that there was something wrong with her, the reason why she never fit in the world where she was placed. Ultimately, she is the bane of her own existence. No one could ever accept her and everywhere she goes, she is bound to give people around her a bad luck.

Then, a family came and they decided to make her stay for 20 years and counting. But instead of feeling secured, it made her more restless than she was before. She was adopted, but not showered with love. Her parents made sure she never forgets how she was before. They adopted her as a trophy to show the disgusting world of politics that they are a good-hearted family who nurtures, cares, and loves everyone to their very best.

She needed to be perfect, she is a symbol of hope for everyone in their city. It’s why she always felt the need to prove herself—that she is an indispensable person in the family.

She has to do everything the right way or else she would see the disappointment being reflected back through the eyes of her parents and siblings. It was difficult but it was harder to have nothing, to have no family who would look after her and she accepted the fact that things she has should be enough. It was better than being given to another family, another set of siblings, or worse being maltreated inside the confines of a place she thought she could call as home.

She studied, day and night. She learned how to cook the favorite food of all the members in the family but it was not enough. She excelled in sports and learned five languages, but again nothing satisfied her family. She did everything a good daughter could do but she never saw the eyes of her parents spark whenever she told them about how she fared in her exams.

She longed to see all of them smile, happy because she’s part of the family. But it was too much to ask. She was intelligent, but not smart enough to tell her heart not to feel anything. She wanted to be free of feelings and twenty-one years of existence has taught her to trust no one. It taught her that if she could never be enough for any one, she should at least be enough for herself. She should be contented living by herself.

She would stay in the family because she has no resources yet to fend for herself. But when she gets the chance to escape the dull world of her unrealistic beautiful family portraits, she’ll run with all her might and she’ll never stop nor look back.

She needs to make the emptiness disappear, but as each day goes by she fears she’ll lose herself in a never-ending insanity of her roller coaster life. It was a life of a sham, of cameras flashing and her being forced to smile. It was a life of giving testimonies she didn’t feel or even mean at all, from one group of people to another, giving them false hopes of the possibility of what tomorrow could bring.

When she finally got out of college, she thought nothing would stop her from going. Nothing could delay the moment she was waiting for. But she thought wrong and she never felt such intense feelings like she did when she was still trying to be what people wanted her to be.

She thought nothing would melt her cold heart. It has been frozen for a long time and she wants it to stay that way. She is tired of trying to gain the favor of everyone and at the end of the day she is left looking at the mirror, staring at someone she couldn’t identify. She’s an empty soul. She did not know how to love anymore or if the things she did was even love in the first place.

What is love anyway? She didn’t believe in love, but she believed in the person she met. He came like the tidal waves, sweeping her away from the harsh realities of the world. If only things were really that easy…

She found the man she was willing to wage wars for. She met him in the midst of all the chaos and hopelessness – but again, she thought wrong. They were too close to be called friends but they lacked the qualities of being called lovers. They were trapped in the middle, not one of them dared to step the borders of what they have.

Nobody could define them. But she knows, every moment she laughs and become playful with him – it was all a mistake. Every single time she decides to say yes to the things he wanted to do, it was always wrong. She liked the easy banter between them but she knows that each time he chose to spend time with her is the exact hour he chose not to be with her.

They never talked about it. He always told her his role in her life is to be her annoying brother. She never questioned it. She never wanted to ask, is this what siblings really do? How could she ask such a simple question when she should have known that all her life? She has 4 siblings but she never had the guts to ask them or maybe she just don’t want to face the truth that they wouldn’t be able to answer her. Perhaps, they were never interested at all with what she thinks or the things she could get confused at. After all, she’s just a display.

To a girl who don’t know love, how could things feel so right with the man she met? Is it even love at all? The heights of despair whenever she wouldn’t see him or hear her voice, isn’t that enough basis to justify the truth in her feelings? Maybe, it’s not enough reason but isn’t overthinking everything about him points out that she never gets tired of thinking of him or analyzing every bit of action he does to her?

Everybody knows, he favored her and she reveled in it. But is it really a good decision to be so revolved in that fact when there are current authentic things on why she shouldn’t continue being like this?

Why is the world always giving her hope and snatching it back? Why is she always bound to make herself void of any feelings? Why does she always need to decide to be the one who understands?

To a girl who don’t know love, she thinks she loved everyone too much. Maybe, there’s hope for her. But her current circumstances tell her that even if she’s hungry to feel loved, she would always be the one who would give too much.

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